Well hello lonely students of Psyhigh! That's right, it is ME! The only person that matters at this old dusty school... what? No! Ew! I am NOT that person! Gosh! No, it's MEEEEE, Mattie Darling! Match maker professional, at your service. With my amazing powers of subconscious persuasion, I can make that special girl or boy or other (hey, I don't judge) love you in the blink of an eye! After many requests by my many fans to move my business from in person to online, I have finally complied. That's how much I love my fans. Now, I will still take in-person, paper airplane, and dream invasion requests, but this will be the new and most preferred method. Actually, I won't accept dream invasion requests anymore. Those are creepy guys, you don't need to see the things I dream about. Unless it's a love emergency, but that's a whole nother topic.... So, that's all! Send in a target's name, your name, and $10.50 and watch your dream girl or boy or other become infatuated with you! Subconscious persuasion is the future people!!!!

With love,

Mattie <3

Another bright and shining day at Psyhigh, another chance to make people fall in L-O-V-A! Lova is like Love, but a lot warmer and with stronger emotions. CAUTION: Lova is for experienced romantics only! Only $7.99, order today at 1815-222-LOVA.

Yesterday we got some interesting questions from my teeming mass of curious fans. Don't worry, I keep people's identities secret online! First, NOT@time pilot terry, I'd be happy to find you a match! It takes a bit longer, as I specialize in influencing minds not reading minds, but if you give me a few days of digging I ensure some degree of success! People have a tendancy to suddenly feel compelled to tell me their secrets.... >;) Oh, and don't you dare send me your time team uniform of the future. EVER. I do NOT need to see a jock strap. Honestly, somebody buy this child a pair of jeans!!! ...The hat is cute though. Keep the hat.

Now, onto today's second person of intrest: NOT@Morris. You want to know how to tell when you love somebody? Oh honey, I've heard all about your little love triangle! Or is it a rectangle now...? Anyways, people always say how love makes you feel "happy" or "complete". HA! As if! NOT-Morris, if you love somebody you'll feel like you have the flu. Your hands will shake. Your breathing will be ragged. Your face will blush and be warm to the touch. You'll feel self-conscious, akward, and inadequate. Being around that girl/boy/other will make you feel like a wreck, but you'll go running back to them anyways! I hope that clears things up for you my little ghosty friend. Isn't love beautiful?!?!?!

That's all for today lonely students of Psyhigh! Remember, if you want that crush to become a significant other; CALL MATTIE! If you want to break up with that significant other withing five days; CALL MATTIE! We're having a two for the price of one special!

With love,

-Mattie

Good afternoon my peers, fans, and admirers! Mattie (that's me!) is here to give you a super important love tip! Like, seriously. This stuff is VITAL. So get ready for expert love advice from the expert of love!!!

LOVE TIP #87:

If you're going to playfully nudge your crush or significant other, make sure you push lighty. Also, don't nudge them near stairwells open windows, or pits of fire/vipers/flaming vipers.

That's all for today gogeous patrons of Psyhigh! If you want more tips, they are 99¢ a pop! I'm happy to give advise to all you poor socially akward souls... sometimes for free! Stop by my lunch table tomarrow for more information.

*corny jingle plays* "If you're lonely or if your scared to speak, Matches by Mattie will win you a kiss on the cheeck!" *kiss sound effect*

With love,

-Mattie

Greetings again to the lovely and/or lonely residents of Psyhigh! Mattie -- your BFF for all matters of the heart and soul -- is here with two very important messages!

First off, my last post had some HID-EEE-US grammatical errors. Talk about a faux pas! I just wanted to apologize to my many fans for these mistakes, and assure them that the high standard of work ethic and responsibility I live by will be better maintained in the future. Usually I have may roommates read over all my posts before reading them, but they have been totally slacking recently. Like, I don't care if finals are soon. These are love EMERGENCIES! Take five seconds to check if I should use it's or its! Gosh! To fix this staffing issue, I've upped their pay for editing posts from nothing to a piece of chocolate for each mistake they find. I'm worried that they've started typing in mistakes to get extra candy, but some subliminal messages should fix that. My mental talents really are handy, even if they take a few days to gain potency!

The second bit of news I have for you eager readers is my latest Love Tip! I get swamped with questions all the time during the day. I got about four in the last two weeks! I decided to answer one of the more pressing ones with a Love Tip, because EVERYBODY should know this.

LOVE TIP #215

Q: If my date asks me to pass the salt, do I pass them the salt AND the pepper or just the salt? There, I asked a question Mattie. Will you stop bugging me now?
--Megan H. Sophomore, Telekinesis

A: In these situations Megan, only pass the salt. Actually, make sure that you get to the table before your date and hide all of the pepper from your table and any surrounding tables. Just to be safe. If there is any pepper and it gets used, then somebody will sneeze. And when somebody sneezes, a passing waiter trips. Then some lasagna falls onto your new dry-clean only dress, and you yell at the waiter, which causes your date to be anxious. Then your date accidently sets the entire building on fire, summons an army of the dead, or does something else super embarrassing with their special psychic powers. Then you're banned from the restaurant and have to break up with your date. Trust me. It happens every time. NEVER PASS THE PEPPER.

Thanks for that question Megan! I hope that this tip is useful during your upcoming date with Tristan! (To read more about Megan and Tristan's "Matching by Mattie" love story, stop by the Mental Sneaks common room this Saturday at 2. There will be a special "Matches by Mattie" presentation there until 4!)

That's all for today guys! Remember Psyhigh; no matter what planet, dimension, or obscure island you hail from, there is somebody out there for you. All you need to find them is $10 and Mattie to manipulate them into asking you on a date.

With love,

-Mattie

Bad news romantic souls of Psyhigh, "Matching by Mattie" has gotten its first warning from the school administration. A teacher from the Dimension Disection classrooms stumbled into my special seminar today and rudely interrupted! She says that I'm scamming people and/or invading people's minds without consent! I tried to tell her that "Matching by Mattie" was primarily a tool to help hone my psychic abilities, but she wouldn't buy it. Ugh! Teachers are SOOOO annoying. Don't worry my loyal fans, I'll find a way to save your favorite student owned business/organization! Perhaps Ms. Kalla just needs a special somebody to distract her from our quests for love.... Now THAT would be an interesting project!

Well, before the meeting was totally ruined I met some wonderful people! Shout out to Gorden Hart, Sun Bunny Tolove, Eros Archer, Atlantica or Pacific, and all the other beautiful people who stopped by! I appreciate all your support, and I love you all as much as you love me! Except Tony. Tony, I told you we are OVER. Stop trying to talk to me. Don't make me get a restraining order!

Oh, and @Atlantica or Pacific, I'm still doing research, but I'm pretty sure I can help you out. I'm tots excited to work with you, and I can't wait to meet Pacifica! Hope she is as much fun as you are "bestie"!

Keep heart my dear readers, I'll save "Matching by Mattie" yet!

With love,

-Mattie

*sings terribly* Helloooo againnnnn my friendssssss!

Here's the long awaited update on "Matching by Mattie"! As most of you know, Ms. Kalla discontinued my advice and relationship centered organization a while back on the grounds that I was "invading my peers' minds very rudely" and "messing with forces far beyond my understanding". As if! Ugh, she sounds like my ex-bohfriend Brad. Ms. Kalla is so closed minded, and just because she's unlucky in love she wants to ruin it for all the rest of us. Well, I've decided that the only way to convince Ms. Kalla to bring back "Matching by Mattie" is to either have a super mature discussion with her and decide on how to improve my little project so it's within school rules and human rights, or recklessly break even more rules to prove to her the power of love cannot be stopped.

So I'm off to try and find Ms. Kalla her dream guy without consulting her first! I've been hitting some potential bachelors with subliminal messages ("Wow, Ms. Kalla looks smokin' today!", "Ms. Kalla is so cute when she screams at students!", "I didn't know that it was possible to actually shoot smoke out your ears when you get angry, that Ms. Kalla is amazing!") and I've been sending some at Ms. Kalla to make her more receptive to being asked out on dates. With any luck, I'll find the right guy and get "Matching by Mattie" back up and running within the week! May Cupid's arrow pierce your heart soon everybody, but not in a painful or bloody way! Lol!

With love,

-Mattie

(Totally unrelated:
Are you a middle aged man looking for love? Do you enjoy women who have no patience, Alternate Dimension creating abilities, and eat grilled squid for lunch everyday? Do you find black lipstick attractive, and/or are VERY desperate to get back into the game of dating? If you answered yes to any of these questions, shoot us an e-mail to lovergirl@manipulation.com right away. We have the perfect woman for you!!!)

Hello to all you out there adventuring for love! Welcome back to another update on the suspension of "Matching by Mattie"! And... uh... things aren't looking good guys. Two of the three potential bachelors I sent Ms. Kalla's way have been rejected. I spent so many hours, making sure every subliminal message I sent their way was ju-u-u-u-u-st right, and they FINALLY ask her to on a date to go get some yucky coffee or whatever old people do on dates, and she denies them without even blinking an eye! It was, like, totally depressing! Love truly is a battlefield my friends, and there have been causalities. If you notice some of our male teachers moping around tomorrow, that is completely Ms. Kalla's fault. "Matching by Mattie" fully encourages a bombardment of spitballs aimed at the back of her obnoxious head! [However "Matching by Mattie" cannot be held accountable for any punishments obtained for such actions. So don't blame me.]

Speaking of her obnoxious head, I think Ms. Kalla has caught wind of my plans for her. She's been wearing a tin foil hat during school hours, and it actually does work in blocking my absolutely harmless subliminal messages. Talk about a bummer! How am I supposed to manipulate her into accepting a date and reviving "Matching by Mattie" if I can't hack into her brains? :( I guess I'm really going to have to focus on messing with the man's mind instead.

Never fear my fans, I won't give up yet. Bachelor Number Three is still on the playing field, and by God I will make this relationship happen! I have high hopes for this lonely husk of a man. He lives in the town nearby the Psyhigh campus. You all know the one, it's the only town we can bike to from here. Anyways, I was going down there for totally legitimate reasons (okay, I admit it, there are some real hotties living off-campus! How can a single girl like me resist?) and I spotted this police guy. He was literally measuring how far away a guy smoking a cigarette was from a restaurant's doorway. With a TAPEMEASURER. Like, OMG, he and Ms. Kalla could bust people for minor offences together! And later read rule books while cuddling together on the sofa! How cute would that be?!?!? Not to mention, Ms. Kalla's thirty-year old rocker chick look would contrast nicely with Mr. Police Officer's spiffy uniform. I just need to find a way to make these two meet in a super romantic way... like in a chick-flick or something... hmmm....

Sorry for the long posts recently, hopefully once Ms. Kalla has reinstated "Matching by Mattie" as a school-approved business/organization I can return to my short but sweet (just like me!) messages. Oh, and @time pilot terry, I found a potential lady friend for you if you're still interested. Discussion on this topic will have to be discreet, as right now I'm in hot water with the school board for obvious reasons. Let me know what you think though Terry, and be sure to show up with $10.55 cash!

Well, here's hoping that "Matching by Mattie" will defeat the evil Ms. Kalla!!!! (Oh, and spread love amongst the students of Psyhigh or whatever.)

With love,

-Mattie

Quick post today for my loyal fans. First a Love Tip, then a special Q & A. Sorry for lack of time. Ms. Kalla + Finals + moody new boyfriend = headaches

LOVE TIP #384

It's a great idea to have your friends help you with your hair and makeup before a big date. However, if this is a surprise makeover and/or your friend is actually not very friendly, practice extreme caution. If you're not careful, the bachelor-ette will smudge the makeup as they sleep and you have to start ALL OVER. And the longer you work on getting that eyeliner just right, the more likely it is they'll wake up. Word to the wise, if you are a beginner in the art of surprise non-friend makeovers, use sleeping potions to keep your victim -- er, I mean beneficiary -- from waking up suddenly. Because that's how you get detention for a week. People are, like, SO unappreciative of my efforts!!

Now, before I have to go to detention, let me address a question from one of my many fawning fans.

Q: "I seriously need some help. There are three- well, four -girls in my life that I... think that I love. And I don't know if it's possible for ghosts to feel love, but I know I'm feeling SOMETHING. And I don't know who, if any, that I love... Can you help me, please?"
-@Morris, assumed freshmen, ghost boy

A: Oh honey, you have your eye on FOUR different girls? To put it bluntly, you're screwed. If you want me to assign you a "Matching by Mattie" agent to go incognito and find which girl is most compatable with you, that may be a solution of sorts. But it'll cost you. I'm not running a charity here! Though if you're truely at your wits end, try this exercise. Pretend that all of your crushes are moving to a different state next year. You can only convince one of them to stay. Who can you not live without seeing on a daily basis?

My time's up, I've got to go to detention again. Argh, I hate it. The school puts you in a separate, artifical dimension where all there is is a desk and your thoughts. Talk about freaky!!! I'm going to bring my phone in there today to see if I can text my adorable boyfriend while I'm trapped there. Byeeeeee!

With love,

-Mattie

LOVE TIP #83

Don't watch a soap opera before going on a big date. You will get so paranoid, it's not even funny. And after you accuse the taxi driver of being your missing and presumed dead father's mentally unstable brother's illegitimate second son sent to spy on you and your date by your senile paternal grandmother who's lost somewhere in the Amazon.... Well, that just makes things akward!

The Kalla Project is on going. Results will be in soon, pinky promise! Oh, and one of my many, many fans recently stated "I'm beginning to think Mattie is a certified nutcase." Sweeite, you don't kniw the half of it! I am completely crazy... crazy for love! Stop by my dorm room around seven for a half-charge consultation on crushes, relationships, and the like! Don't mind my roommates, they tots won't mind a few visitors!

Can't wait to see you all lining up outside the "Matching By Mattie" secret no-teachers allowed headquarters! *blows a kiss to all my fans*

With love,

-Mattie

*confetti explodes and sprinkles down from the ceiling*

SUCCESS! Ha ha ha ha! It was super duper hard, especially with Ms. Kalla's unfashionable and interfering tin foil hat, but finally Mr. Psycho Police and Ms. Kalla were interested in each other. Their first date is this Friday, to a drive-in movie down in the town. Mr. Psycho Police is spending the next few days inspecting Ms. Kalla's car and record to ensure that she never jay walks and has no parking tickets, because he's such a nut job... but still! SUCCESS!

After providing this latest and greatest case of true love by "Matching by Mattie" to some of the other teachers, they've allowed me to use one of the classrooms that's empty afterschool as my neeeeew headquarters!!! Ahhhhh! Isn't this exciting??? Ms. Kalla, you're finally useful for something! You all should have seen how the teachers' eyes popped and jaws dropped in surprise when I showed them pictures of Ms. Kalla and her potential boyfriend. One was so surprised, he made all the paper in the room spontaneously combust! Oh, btw, anybody who is in Cow Speaking Year 2 Accelerated... your welcome. Your pop quizzes burned. ;)

Anyways, I'm moving my headquarters to the empty classroom right now. My roommates are helping me, and they're almost too excited to have my business/organization gone. Hmm... maybe I was too loud during my consultations. Or maybe I used them as examples of "love gone wrong" too often. *shrug* Oh well, no time to fret about that now! Be sure to stop by my new "office" and say hello! Every visitor today gets a free piece of chocolate. Heart shaped chocolate!!!

I'll be chilling in Room 375 from 3:30 - 5:30 pm, but you can still contact me anytime over the wonderful interwebs! Look for the classroom that is thick with girly perfume and blasting a combination of One Direction and Elvis songs.

Can't wait to see you all at my new base! (Oh, and Kelly444, I've got your perfect man picked out and prepped to ask you out. Be on your toes girl, he'll make the move any day now!)

With love,

-Mattie